Thursday, 10 March 2011

Here they go again

I'm back to moaning to you. I miss my daddy, I miss him so much it makes me cry. Yes I do cry. Just recently I was thinking of how I lack a stable male influence in my life -thank God I'm a girl so it doesn't make me wanna be gay. I thought about it, family, friends ; nada.
I have five half brothers who live in different parts of the world, I have lots of male cousins, couple of uncles but basically no contact to them. Everyone is busy with their various lives, doing this and that. I say hello, drop a facebook message here, but nothing gives. They reply msgs, say hello, and after a while just fade out. Busy, preoccupied, e.t.c..
Then comes friends. When I think of male friends, it breaks my heart to say that 95 percent of mine have wanted to get with me one way or the other. Its so hard to find a male friend of mine, who wasn't interested in getting with me, one who trully wanted to be my friend. This saddens me more than I can express.
As an only child who has now lost her father, I wish with all my heart that I had some big brother, or uncle, or friend to lean on. I am single if you're wondering, Been single for 3 months but that's the least of my problems.
People come and go, but sad as it may sound, I'm beginning to think guys are leavers. My daddy has left me-though I understand he did not wish to die, my exes have hurt me in some way- though I had to do the physical leaving, my brothers have never really been there, neither have the uncles or cousins and the friends have failed me as true friends.
There was one who made me his little sis and at the end things got topsy turvy because he wanted to be a lover. There's a second who made me his sis, but maybe I'm more than he bargained for, maybe he just liked the idea, but has no idea this young lady NEEDS a big brother, and therefore falls short, because he can't really be an available shoulder for her.
Its is after all this, I've come to the conclusion that male species are leavers. Maybe its too much to wish for a male friend who has my back completely, no strings attatched, But I believe that someday, I will find the bone of my bone and flesh of mine, who will fill that male void.
I love the ladies in my life, and I love my saviour.
I have brooded over my lack, but I am thankful for all I have.



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